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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  July 8, 2011 2:05am-2:35am PDT

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out of illinois. you may remember about a year ago former governor rod blah... [stumbles over name] toured the country promising he'd be vindicated of all charges. he visited the "daily show" where i made a promise to him. again, if you get off scot-free, there's a hug waiting for you. >> i'm determined to work even harder to get that. >> jon: well, tonight i have some very good news to report. i will not have to hug rod blagojevich. [cheering and applause] and here's why: >> in chicago today, the jury said guilty 17 times as the former illinois governor rod blagojevich was convicted of attempted distortion, bribery, conspiracy and fraud. >> jon: 17 felony convictions, or as that's known, a chicago dozen. [laughter] on his way to the kraus to hear the verdict, blah...
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[stumbles over name] was unusually circumspect >> my hands are shaky, my neems are week, i can't seem to stand on my own two feet. [laughter] >> jon: quoting elvis on your way to hear a criminal verdict and you go with "all shook up"? "jailhouse rock" doesn't come up in that? "suspicious minds"? ♪ i'm caught in a trap ♪ nothing. of course, that was on his way to the verdict being read. after words, blah... [stumbles over name] wanted people to know that he'd learned his lesson. >> among the many lessons i've learned from this whole experience is to try to speak a little bit less, so i'm going to keep my remarks kind of short. >> jon: you weren't convicted of not being concise. [laughter] your words on obama's senate seat, "i've got this thing and
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it's [bleeped] golden and i'm just not giving it up for [bleeped] nothing." that's actually quite succinct. but rod blah... [stumbles over name], his before-and-after reangsts are but small part of what's truly astonishing thing about this story. the truly astonishing part of this story is rod blagojevich is the fourth out of the last seven electedded governors of illinois to be convicted of a felony. four out of the last seven. 57%. if you were an individual in illinois, you would have a better chance of avoiding jail by flipping a coin, heads being jail, tails being no jail, than by being elected governor of illinois. let's say you're the present governor of illinois and you're in a room with a former governor of illinois on your right and a former governor of illinois on your left. chances are the room you're in
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is jail. [cheering and applause] for more we go live to john oliver. he joins us from the gates of the federal prison in marion, illinois. john oliver, tell us a little bit... [cheering and applause] i'm sorry. tell us a little bit about the prison world two rod blagojevich is very likely entering into. >> happy to. jon, the exciting thing for rod blagojevich isn't just that he'll be surrounded by other illinois governors, it's that all three branches of illinois governments are well represented in this prison. [laughter] prison laws can be made by their many convicted legislators. those same laws interpreted by their convicted judges. it's really about checks and balances. >> jon: i understand. how does the governor, ex-governor survive in prison? >> simply put, jon, he better get in good with the prison lobbyists. [laughter]
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obviously that will require tireless cigarette fund-raising and access to the best toilet wines. [laughter] >> jon: out of random curiosity, what would distinguish a good toilet wine? >> people argue about tannins and things, but most connoisseurs will tell you it's all about the urine content. yes. jon and lack thereof i would suppose. abappalling record of official corruption in illinois. how can that state break the cycle of government criminality? >> jon, it's about getting to the children of illinois before they get lured into the murky world of elected office. [laughter] >> jon: that's interesting. john, can you help us out and help the parents at home? what are some warning signs parents can keep an eye out for. >> jon, that's such an important question. parents have to be engaged in their children's lives to spot
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the red flags. >> jon: and what would those be, john? such as? >> for starters, jon, poster board, magic markers, that type of parafa nail that can be indicative that they have aspirations to run for student council. [laughter] >> jon: so even student council is bad? >> well, it's a gateway office, jon. [laughter] >> jon: john, i have a friend. i want to talk to you about him, a teenager. his son is a teenager, recently turned sullen and combative, and he's quite secretive. >> well, lucky him, john, he's okay. a time to worry is when your child becomes suspiciously extroverted, if he's suddenly fond of corny jokes or likes to walk around the dinner table shaking hands and asking, what's good here? what are we eating? when the neighbors bring a baby over, does he kiss it repeatedly on the cheek over and over again looking for the cameras? if so, bing, you he could be looking at four to eight years
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in the illinois statehouse followed by 15 to 20 years in prison. >> jon: terrifying, john. do you think it's getting through to the next generation? >> we can only hope, but it's not for lack of trying. already they're launching a statewide campaign to keep kids on the right track. talk to your children, jon, talk to your kids before it's too late. >> jon: thank you so much, john oliver with that very ♪ the snakeskin jacket. it's not right for every occasion. unless of course you find yourself attending a secret off-shore charity snake fighting event. there are some things best saved for the right occasion.
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but then they make those occassions even righter. its like inside every snakeskin jacket there's a little heineken light
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show. thank you very much. for the past i'm going to say like 12, 13 years, fox news and i have been having kind of a fun, light-hearted and i think extremely productive conversation about which one of us is the bigger asshole. they, perhaps not surprisingly, believe it is me. whereas i have take an different approach and tend to lean towards the idea it is perhaps them. [cheering and applause] no, no, no. as of now we have agreed to respectfully disagree. but over the past four days i believe fox has begun what
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appears to be their closing arguments. >> jon stewart says he's both liberal and fair. is he really in >> did jon stewart mock republican presidential candidate herman cane because he's a black man? >> a closer look at why the comedian gets away at his one-sided attacks. >> jon stewart needs a lesson on truth-telling. >> why is jon stewart in denial about his liberal leanings? >> herman cain says comedian jon stewart was mocking him. >> here is an example of jon stewart's bias. >> jon stewart gets his view from the left but can't admit he's a liberal mouthpiece. >> herman cain on his feud with political sequester jon stewart. >> jon stewart breaks into his amos and andy routine to mock herman cain. >> jon stewart tries to disguise his true liberal bias. >> jon stewart says he's both liberal and he's fair. let's see how that's working out. >> jon: i guess everyone got the memo. [laughter] do you want to bring your whole network to the throwdown?
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you want to go channel 44 versus channel 45? obviously that's the channel configuration of time warner in the new york area, your local listings where comedy central and fox are would be more accurate. of course, hd is a completely different situation. my point is you don't think i have peeps? you don't think i roll deep? cc rolls deep, yo, yo, check this [bleeped] out. yeah, yeah, yeah. comedy central, get me krud mandoon. that's, mother... really? canceled? when was that canceled? he's our only guy with a sword, though? how am i going to... that show was like our "game of thrones." it was ahead of its time. all right, fine. i'll handle it myself. everybody at fox is real mad about this herman cain joke. candidate herman cain offers real solutions to fictional issues. >> don't try to pass a 2,700 page bill.
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you and i didn't have time to read it. we're too busy trying to live, send our kids to school. that's why i'm going to only allow small bills, three pages. you'd have time to read that one over the dinner table. >> >> jon: bills will be three pages. if i am president, treaties will have to fit on the back of a cereal box. from now on the state of the union address will be delivered in the form of a fortune cookie. i am herman cain, and i do not like to read. now, they thought that was an offensive joke. they thought that was offensive amos and andy brogue and their news guys would be fired if they did a voice like that, although, i did get into that story using a wheel with a dildo nailed it to, which i would imagine would likely get them fired, as well. [laughter] i just don't see them using a dildo wheel.
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the point is this: they felt i was singling out herman cain using offensive voice, not because i always use them, and i thought the three-page bill idea was silly, but because they suggested because herman cain is black and more importantly conservative. well, if my ridicule of silly things using bizarre caricature voices has given fox what appears to be several days of very strong programing -- [laughter] your cup about to runneth over, mother [bleeped]. grab a knife and fork, fox. because i have turned my crack research team on myself. and in a brand-new settingment called... [laughter] [cheering and applause] i thought we were going to run these titles by me?
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all right. well, anyway, prepare for tomorrow's huffington post headline "stewart evoice rates stewart." roll. >> on the eighth day, they thought there was only enough hope for three days. >> you invite an important visitor to our house and our tone and eat your pizza with a [bleeped] fork right in front of us. >> i want to bless the children. you will not we nigh god's love. >> the giant [bleeped] gaggoons hanging on this man. >> i'm so short. can you lean over. >> [inaudible] >> anthony, go inside, and if you come back out, wear a light jacket. >> all right, boys. you know the rules. i don't remember anything. [speaking in all different accents] >> i like to eat cheese. >> what? >> you can take our horses, but you'll never take ourration!
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>> guvnah. >> new york i'm no spy, just [bleeped] with summer home. >> we don't need no stinking ez pass. >> you can't get there from quee-eh. >> he wasn't going out with little boys. >> you should see some of the [bleeped] i've done. >> better on the floor than in the senate. >> keeps getting better and better. >> another to be certain than right. >> am i right, ladies. >> you two kiss while i watch. >> we're cool again, right? >> i'm real hungry. >> rules are rules. >> what? what, what? >> i told you i needed the driveway clean. >> come on, baby. why don't you let dr. o cover all your preexisting conditions, baby? >> i am america. >> damn, america, have you lost weight? >> some of the savings will come through less waste and more
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efficiency. >> from now on when we buy office supplies, we will join up with canada and mexico to look for deals on groupon. >> tonight we celebrate. >> wednesday we go shopping. [cheering and applause] we'll be right back. [cheering a]
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>> welcome back. my guest tonight, very funny comedian. his show fx's "louis." thank goodness it's back for another season. >> it's a mother dog. it's a mother dog like 14-nipple belly. that's what happens if i go like this. it's happening now, you just can't see it. it's a six pack for a whole other reason. it just hangs in sections. it actually is three sections with a split in the middle. >> jon: please welcome back to the show "louis"ck.
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[cheering and applause] >> that was really funny. >> jon: great to see you. >> thank you. [cheering and applause] >> jon: i'm so glad the show is back on. >> thank you >> jon: you want to do it again? >> i don't want to shake. i just want us to hoover. >> jon: do the hover shake. first episode was so good. >> thank you. jon and your acting now is getting good. >> you were describing it. i thought you were saying, "you're acting now," which is the way it feels. it feels goofy. >> jon: you and i have worked together for so many years. and we all sucked. they always wanted to make us acteddors and we all sucked at it. and all of a sudden you became good. wait. what about taking the rest of us with you. >> i have more practice, that's allment i've just done it for longer. i still suck pretty bad, though. >> jon: stop it. first episode, the woman who played your sister.
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>> are rusty schwimmer. >> jon: so good. >> she's great. january jon can we say first episode what... >> it's all about a big fart. the whole first episode is about a fart. and... >> jon: how long is the fart? >> i think it was 42 seconds long or something like that. [laughter] one-tenth of an episode is a fart. more than one-tenth. 20% of the episode is a fart. >> jon: i don't let your children watch your show. i don't let them watch my show, but i brought them in the room for the 42-second fart. they're still talking about it. >> listen, farts take a lot of [bleeped] for being... >> jon: what? >> they do. people think that that's low-brow humor, stupid humor. to me a fart is funny. fart is... let's break down a fart for a second. >> jon: please. >> okay. it comes out of your ass. [laughter] okay.
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it smells... >> jon: i'm glad you went for that number one. >> it comes out of your ass. it comes out of your ass. it smells like poop. because it's been just hanging out next to it for a long time. and it makes a little trumpet noise. come on, man. what's not funny about that? your ass flesh rubs together and it makes a noise that smells like poop that comes out of your ass. that's hilarious. that's the funniest thing in the world. here's what i would say, you don't have to be smart to laugh at fartds, but you have to be stupid not to. >> jon: for that, i mean, that is why we induct you into the comedy hall of fame. >> that's right. >> jon: a lot of times jokes when you deconstruct them become less funny. now i think farts will be even more enjoyable.
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thank you. >> there's a lot going on. >> you're always ragging on yourself. you know, have you been in the world? you're not the footage they use on stories about bad health. you're not that footage from you with the head down like, if america doesn't get wise to this, we'll fall behind thailand. >> there is a lot of people that are grocer than i am. that's true. >> jon: we all are. i'm wearing a suit underneath this. i'm... >> maybe you've got some little sag sections and a little bit of... but i'm big. [laughter] no, here's the thing, i've been... >> jon: do you want to have a decrepit >> off, is that what you want? >> i work hard to maintain this. this is me being presentable to the rest of the world. i'm on camera and there are people still in my life. so i... this is as good as i can
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look. that's why i think people keep you from being gross. when i've driven everyone away and i'm not on tv anymore, i'm going to be... i'm just going to... and i'm excited for it. i'm just going to be that guy with the second belly, the crotch belly. you know those guys with polyester pants, and it's just, and it's not even like a little bump where it's just... it's like a pumpkin pop in there. and then like when i see it just... when i see it just glistens like a... you know? [laughter] you know those fountains where it just gets wet on the marble instead of gushing. and when i get horny i'll just... >> jon: so your bucket list is literally just foods in a bucket. >> that's what i'm going to be and i'm going the make it. it's not hard goal. here's the thing, i think people, their natural state is
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to just eat fritos and just [bleeped] your pants and die. osama bin laden, when they caught him, he was drinking coca-cola and getting high and watching porn and like googling himself in a blanket. like he was just... i thought when they caught him he'd be in a cave with two grenades intense, but he was just going back to his room with his snack, oh, bheep bleep. oh, that's right, i did that thing. like he just... he had some nachos from... [cheering and
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[cheering and applause] >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. tom hanks will be in the studio. here it, is your moment of zen. >> tonight i am going to tell you that jon stewart, because of what he did, is a racist. i don't believe that, but i'm going to tell